I want to say something. But I need you to hear me out before you walk away in total disgust. I tried hot yoga. And I loved hot yoga. I know what I sound like. I know. You’re thinking I take wine selfies during The Kardashians and hashtag them rosé all day. I blubber about…

You know, I didn’t think braces would change my daily routine. But then I didn’t think a movie would ruin my marriage. Apparently, I just don’t think enough. My braces are removable trays. The dental staff instructed me to remove them when I eat and drink. Before the trays go back in, I’m supposed to…

Nothing drives home life’s futility like finding your dead uncle’s ashes in the trunk of your mom’s car. And he wasn’t alone in there. His wife’s ashes were in the trunk, too. It was disturbing. Like catching your parents in flagrante. I was curious as to why the ashes were in the trunk of the…

Al Pacino has a memorable line in an unmemorable movie. It’s The Devil’s Advocate, and he tells Keanu Reeves his “stud” look is very, “Excuse me, ma’am. Did I leave my boots under your bed?” That quote is a perfect characterization of Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick. He is all charm and easy grin,…

I have a writer problem. It’s your problem too. I can’t focus. If I can’t focus, I can’t tell you a story. If I can’t tell you a story … well … the whole world just unravels, doesn’t it? I know exactly why I can’t focus. I have two problems – one I want to…

First of all, I’m alive. I made it home from Montana. At the moment, however, I would almost accept death. I disembarked from my plane 36 hours ago, but my stomach still roils like a bad morning after. I get sick in anything that moves. Cars, planes, boats – you name it. If it moves,…

I’m flying this week. I’m not afraid of flying. I actually love to fly. It feels cosmopolitan and cultured. And who doesn’t relish the inherent promise of exploring a new place? So I’m not afraid to fly. But I am terribly afraid to crash. Most of the time, I’m fine. But when I’m awake at…

My husband was on an excursion in the Canadian wilderness. Trips like that reduce communication routes to satellite phone, for contacting the trip outfitter, and a GPS device he uses to text me or to alert emergency rescuers of bear attacks. When the satellite phone died, I became the sole link to civilization. An urgent…

It’s my birthday. Don’t wish me well. I’m clinging to my 40s like Chrissy Watkins clung to that buoy in Jaws. I’m sure some women anticipate their fifties with all the joy of a child awaiting Santa on Christmas Eve. I’m just not one of them. I’m more like Barbra in Night of the Living…

The temperature was a dusty 97 degrees. I was parked in a remote parking lot of Yellowstone National Park. Two dark figures ambled on the horizon. They were the only things moving on the flat, windless plain. “Are those specks them?” my mother-in-law asked. She leaned forward beside me, squinting as she tried to focus…

My dad and I sat in his doctor’s waiting room for three hours last Thursday. Three hours. Even without the pandemic, doctors’ waiting rooms were flirting with extinction. But concierge services haven’t quite made it to suburban Pennsylvania healthcare. So we waited for three hours. We sat as people came and went like we were…

I didn’t want to speak with a stranger in my gynecologist’s waiting room. But adventure follows me wherever I go. So yes. I spoke with a stranger in my gynecologist’s waiting room. I was minding my own business. I really was. I sat down next to a charging station. I plugged in my phone. I…

I have a huge problem. Well, I actually have two huge problems. My first problem is The Batman. Do I see it? Skip it? Wait until I stumble across it on TBS? Did I really need another Batman when Christian Bale was such caped crusader perfection? No. But Andy Serkis? Jeffrey Wright? Come on! Have…

You know how sometimes you find yourself in a situation and wonder how you got there? Is this, in fact, your beautiful house? Is this your beautiful wife? Yes. I’m feeling some Talking Heads this weekend. And welcome to my beautiful house, of which I am the sole architect. It was supposed to be my…

“You’ll have to bury this with me.” This is what my superstitious grandmother told the family when we gifted her an opal pendant necklace. Opals, she counseled, are bad luck for anyone not born in October. As she was the only October birthday in the family, none of us could take possession of the necklace…

Betrayal. It is a deep pain when it comes from something beloved. And believe me – that wallpaper was beloved. It’s a red, blue, and beige floral print perfectly mimicking the wallpaper of a 1980s country kitchen. It lines my powder room, an adorable little nook with a tiled counter and gleaming white chair rail.…

You may recall my absurd attempt at camping last summer. Our campground neighbor drove a pickup truck, the kind with a cover that lowers over the truck’s bed. A Google search tells me this is called a “tonneau cover,” and Google Translate tells me “tonneau” is French for “barrel.” I learn a lot of useless…