It started innocently enough. 

One day, late in 2024, I was surfing my streamers for something to watch.  

I wanted something new, something I could follow with, say, 82 percent of my attention — yet never miss a beat. A thriller, maybe, or something with explosions.  

Netflix suggested London Has Fallen. 

Well, I’d seen Olympus Has Fallen. And I do love London. 

For its remaining duration on Netflix, I was enamored of London Has Fallen, even watching London Has Fallen, one night, in London. 

So meta. 

London Has Fallen eventually left Netflix. I, like any dumped girl, moved on with my life. 

But one recent night, Olympus Has Fallen aired on cable. I’d forgotten so much of its plot. 

And, like running into an ex-boyfriend’s buddy, I was reminded of how much I missed London Has Fallen. 

I found the films on a free streamer. I tucked into each movie over several nights, realizing belatedly the free streamer blurred the bloody action bits. 

Listen. A girl on a budget has to do what a girl on a budget has to do. If that girl wants to watch London Has Fallen in London, that girl can’t pay for streamers that deliver the Has Fallen series fully intact.  

More importantly, I was firmly in a Gerard Butler hole.  

And found it a lovely place to be.  

Do I have a crush on Gerard Butler? 

No. I’m very faithful to Jason Statham. 

Until Timothy Olyphant comes knocking anyway. 

Is Gerard Butler a good actor? Were these good movies? 

Well, for ninety minutes, I believed Gerard Butler was a secret service agent, Aaron Eckhart was the president, and some really berserk stuff went down in that administration. 

Was that why I Airbnb’ed a little corner of that Gerard Butler hole? 

Mmm … don’t think so. 

I was just here for everything Gerard Butler. 

Well, not everything. I was here for Gerard Butler movies striking my fancy. 

I watched Geostorm, then was reminded by my daughter of the evening we watched Geostorm together.  

“We watched Greenland together, too,” she said, answering my unasked question. 

I had little recollection of how their plots unfolded — something I hoped spoke more toward their check-your-brain-at-the-door-Saturday-night-at-the-movies nature and less toward inheritance of my parents’ cognitive impairments. 

IMDb — the Encyclopedia Britannica of the 21st century, am I right? — revealed the Has Fallen series is a trilogy. I watched the scrubbed, G-rated third installment on that Puritanical streamer. Then, like President Josiah Bartlet, asked, “What’s next?” 

The Vanishing directed Gerard — I can call him Gerard, living in the Gerard Butler hole as I do. You, however, cannot — directed Gerard to his Celtic roots as he portrayed a lighthouse watchman stuck in A Simple Plan or Very Bad Things plot. 

Both fantastic movies, despite their lack of Gerard Butler. 

The Vanishing is based on a real-life mystery at the Flannan Isles Lighthouse in 1900. 

Wait. It’s real? 

Now I was in a Flannan Isles Lighthouse 1900 disappearance hole. I learned about early twentieth century lighthouse keeping, the geography between Philadelphia and Leith, and theories on the disappearance of three lighthouse keepers over a century ago. 

So you see? Gerard Butler is educational. And if you’re Googling the geography between Philadelphia and Leith, you, too, have been educated by Gerard Butler. 

It’s great, right? 

Imagine what our SATs might have looked like had Gerard Butler been our tutor. 

I wanted more movies but, quite frankly, IMDb’s filmography for my buddy Gerard was unwieldy. If I settled into every Gerard Butler movie, I’d be on my sofa for so long I would most definitely tip into the pants-free life. 

I found a lifeline at Men’s Health. When you need to know which Gerard Butler movie to watch next, Men’s Health is the obvious place to turn for support. 

I mean, duh. 

About the time I was watching London Has Fallen in London, Men’s Health put together a list of Gerard Butler’s most underrated movies. 

Like we’re psychically connected, Men’s Health and I. 

On the list was Shattered. Since my Gerard Butler hole had taken me down a hallway of single-word film titles, I decided to give it a shot. 

I searched Shattered on my Roku. My Roku suggested The Shawshank Redemption, as if it was trying to save me from my poor decisions. 

Shattered is basically Trapped, but on the road and with Pierce Brosnan instead of Kevin Bacon. If you can watch London Has Fallen with 82 percent attention but 100 percent plot understanding, you can watch Shattered with half as much attention and just as much understanding. 

No. 11 on the Men’s Health list is Plane. It costars Mike Colter and if you haven’t seen him in Luke Cage and Evil, I don’t know why you’re hanging out here. 

Plane finds Gerard and Mike on a plane that crashes on an island. 

I’m flying soon. I absolutely have to watch a plane crash movie.  

As I worked my way through Gerard Butler’s resume, two things happened. 

First, I discovered Hulu has a series based on the Has Fallen series. It’s called Paris Has Fallen. 

It doesn’t star my buddy Gerard. But it does have a lot of French. 

I — I love French. I can speak just enough to get me in trouble.  

Second, The Vanishing also starred an actor named Ólafur Darri Ólafsson. 

Um, he was in The Meg, the best shark movie ever. 

He was also, apparently, in an Icelandic mystery series called, of all things, Trapped. 

It seems I’m headed for both a Has Fallen and Ólafur Darri Ólafsson hole. 

Which means I have no time to talk to you.